Food.

My supervisor said I couldn't post this, no matter how much she laughed. Something about skirting the edges of the anti-hostile workplace policy.


"Dear diseased rectum of a castrated toad,
Three times you've lifted my food. Three times I've gone hungry while you ate food prepared around *MY* food allergies. Note that these allergies prevent me from eating food from the vending machines.

Your reprehensible (oh wait, that's a big word! It means that your actions are beyond the acceptance of polite society, due to their unpleasantness.) sticky fingers habit has caused a great deal of trouble. It needs to stop.

As I cannot afford to feed both you and myself, I ask that your mannerless, moronically cruel, asinine self quits grazing in other people's bags. Most of the rest of us learned better while in preschool or kindergarten.

I know I won't receive any form of restitution for what you have stolen from me. I can, however, hope that your puerile nature manifests itself in a store that can and will charge you with theft when you're caught.

Perhaps you'll just end your days starving and ill. Karma does come back around.

Incredibly frustrated (and hungry) employee."


What I ended up writing out to stick to the fridge was this:

"Dear lunch thief,
Thank you for taking food out of the mouth of a pregnant woman. As we all know, this is absolutely the best time for me to go without food, because I'm currently "just fat" and should starve myself and my unborn child. In case you couldn't tell, that last sentance was sarcastic. Quit it! I'm on welfare cause I can't afford my own food on what we get paid here."

I forgot to post it, though, when I left. Probly better that it sits at my desk, waiting for my weekend to be over.

Any suggestions on what to do to avoid this kind of thing? I really am, sad to say, getting government assistance while working a scheduled 40 hour week.